God is Good... Even When it Hurts.

©Ashley Lluay 2012

"You are good, and what you do is good..." (Psalm 119:68).
"The LORD is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made" (Psalm 145:9).

  “God never witholds from His child that which His love and wisdom call good. God's refusals are always merciful -- "severe mercies" at times but mercies all the same. God never denies us our hearts desire except to give us something better.” ― Elisabeth Elliot

On June 12, 2015, I found out I was pregnant. I was ecstatic-- ever since I was a tiny girl, ever since I can remember, I have wanted to be a mom. In fact, that's all I had ever wanted; I remember a time in elementary school (I was probably about 6 or 7) when the teacher asked us what our dream car was. I answered, "A minivan! Because that's what a mommy drives!" 

Having children has always been my dream. I feel it is my God-given purpose. I never had the drive to have a career like a doctor or lawyer. I "just" wanted to be a mom.

So imagine my surprise and excitement when I found out my dreams were coming true, my prayers were being answered. My family was all ecstatic-- this would be the first grandbaby in the family.

But it wasn't meant to last. 

On June 19, exactly one week after I found out we would be parents, I had a miscarriage. We lost the baby. We weren't sure that was what had happened until a doctor visit few days later. But Cris and I both knew, somehow, that it was over. But still I clung to a thread of hope. Maybe the baby was ok... I didn't bleed that much... 

But God knew better.

In one moment, my dream shattered. Overwhelming grief and darkness overtook my soul.

At first, it was anger. And pain. WHY, God? WHY would You give us a baby and then take it away? Why give us a baby at all if it was just going to die? How could You do this to us?

And then it was sorrow. And lethargy. I felt dead inside. Both my womb and my heart were empty.I felt like nothing might ever be right or okay again. 

I still don't understand. And it still hurts. The pain comes in waves like the ocean over the sand. I let myself cry as much as I needed. I grieve and mourn the precious baby we lost. 

We don't even know if it was a boy or girl, so we have to refer to the baby as "it." We won't get to hold it. Or rock it to sleep. Or sing it lullabies. It won't wrap its hand around our fingers. We won't get to kiss its "owies" better. It won't learn "Jesus Loves Me" or sing along with Daddy playing the guitar. We won't get to see it laugh or smile. We won't hear its voice. Take it to grandma and grandpa's house. See it play sports. Hear the screechy sound of it learning to play violin. We won't get to see it grow up, or get married, or have children of its own...

But our little Corbin Jae (C. J. for short-- our "gift devoted to God") will get to run along the crystal sea, hand in hand with Jesus. It will never cry or feel pain. It won't feel sad, or lonely. It won't ever feel the pain that we are feeling now. Only blessed peace and joy and love in the arms of Jesus.

I am a mother. And I always will be.

God has put so many people in our lives to encourage us, to pray with and for us. To help us through this hard time. To say, "I've been through this, too, and it hurts. But God is good, and we have four beautiful children..." or "I can't begin to understand what you are going through. But I am praying and I'm here if you need someone to talk to or cry with." To all of you-- thank you. You have encouraged us more than you will ever know.

I don't understand why. I probably never will. But if God can take this and use it for His glory, or He can use our story to help someone else, it will be worth it. We have hope-- we know we will get to meet our little C. J. someday. Until then...

"God is good..."

"All the time."

"And all the time..."

"God is good." 

Even when it hurts. 

Leaning on Him When Life Doesn't Make Sense,

Ashley Lluay, Lightchaser

Have you ever lost a baby, child, or loved one? How did you cope with the pain and loss? Have you experienced God's love and goodness through a hard time? I'd love to hear about it in the comments!